So imagine you’re chugging along the path of life, minding your own business and somewhat thinking you have your shit together, when suddenly, out of left field, the universe throws a nuclear love bomb your way! A giant furious comet of pure unadulterated love, bliss, passion, divinity, and recognition come plummeting towards you at the speed of light, breaking into pieces and ripping right through your heart, mind, and center until there’s nothing left but nothing.

It’s the most indescribable, palpable taste of love and bliss you could ever possibly imagine. In fact, it’s so shockingly, gigantically, and overwhelmingly beyond your wildest dreams, you actually never comprehended its existence in the first place.

Then come the aftershocks. This thing was a 10.0 on the Richter scale and it’s not letting up. Nothing was left standing. Your whole life is now in shambles as you scrape for remnants of what used to be in the rubble. You’re doubting, mistrusting, disbelieving, SHOCKED. There’s no way this is real. It’s far too surreal to be real. I mean, does the universe really love me this much?

Yet sandwiched between waves of annihilation, you’re struck by bliss, bliss, and more bliss. What on earth is happening? The Universe does love me this much. IT IS REAL. I can take it... give me more dear universe.....

Actually, no, I take that back. I can’t handle these feelings, they’re too intense. No sleep, no sense of ground, no dignity, no self-control, total embarrassment, and exposure. It’s nuts. Why did I allow the love bomb to hit me in the first place? I should have seen it coming and stopped it. No one comes out of this shit alive.

Seriously. At some point, the whole thing’s gonna blow.

And blow it does. The inevitable happens. It’s time to let go, move on, get back to reality, back to that thing called life and living. It’s the most excruciating pain ever. Your whole being shattered, your organs entangled, your skin flushed with memory and your vagina throbbing with desire. You are completely and utterly attached in every imaginable way and all you want to do is hold on for dear life. And you’re not even sure of what you’re holding onto. All you want to do is just hold on with every cell of your being. The bliss, love, and connectedness have penetrated you at depths you never knew were there. And this is not a ‘head’ thing. It’s all happening at the body level and your head is completely powerless to do anything about it. Which is even more terrifying. You’ve been brought to your knees by God. Humbled and love-struck from the heavens above by a golden arrow.

And to top it all off, now you must LET IT ALL GO! That’s right - the greatest cosmic joke of them all... let it all go now... feel the burn baby... melt that iron ore... feel the acid in your veins... take one for the team why don’t you.

It’s pretty clear that the energy has moved on. It couldn’t get more clear in fact. A nice big fat drawbridge has been dropped between you and the form that your lover took to deliver it’s gift. It’s like the Universe is saying, “Ok, now you’ve had your pressie, it’s time to get back to me - back to your centeredness in and with me.”

So what the fuck do you do with this?

You suffer, that’s what. You suffer the agony of love.... the brutal, burning sensations of letting love into places that have never known love. They’ve been so deprived and emptied for so long, that it hurts to let it in. It hurts to let it out. It’s like pouring molten lava into vacuum-packed molds for the first time. It fucking hurts. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. Everything just hurts. Still, you know how important the drawbridge is. You’re no fool - you can see and feel the power of the letting-go process. Because only then does the real healing happen... the solidifying of a new level of consciousness and feeling that comes to manifest as a higher vibration of SELF-LOVE.

As Jesus once said, “you can’t put new wine in old wineskins”. So to get the goods, you must first clean out the olds. This is what’s causing the agony. The deprivation must be felt and owned and embraced. No one ever claimed that the embodiment of universal love was a walk in the park. It’s hard work. Rumi knew this. That poor guy took so many arrows to the chest, he became the living embodiment of divine bliss. So much so, that his arrows still ricochet through time into our own hearts and minds. What a brave and courageous soul he was.

On a more serious note... where is the breakthrough in all of this - the other side of agony? Where do I find peace, centeredness, and harmony again? I’ll tell you where.... in the opposite place that your pain and deprivation are pulling you. In the face of all those old voices convincing you to shut down, submit to the drawbridge, turn your back, walk away, be tough and strong, pull back your love, and stop being such an open, naive, drunken fool....... you do the very thing you shouldn’t - YOU LOVE EVEN HARDER. You become the divine fool again. You fall into the bliss over and over and over - plowing forward as a champion, climbing over the drawbridge like it’s a sand castle. You KEEP ON LOVING.

Only this time, you blend the form and the universe together as one.... thank you, thank you, thank you Great Spirit. I love how you came through this form for me. I love you dear form. I will always love you. I love you, dear Spirit. I will always love you. I love you so much and I will never stop loving you. This is MY love and I’m giving myself permission to love you no matter what your energy is saying or doing, or what your protections, pain, or power are saying to me. I love you anyway. I love you so much it puts me right on the razor edge of life. I don't care if you don't feel this love towards me in this very moment. That is not my business. Right now, all I care about is letting the love out because it’s too damn painful to keep locked inside. This makes me vulnerable, penetrable, tender, and raw, but I don’t care. I’d rather be all of these things than suffer the agony of suppressed love.

I am a volcano and I will not be stopped. I am an earthquake and I will not be stopped. I am the wind, the sun, the rain, the ocean, and I will not be stopped. It’s MY love - given to me as a present from my lover, the Great Spirit. My job is to keep expressing it - keep feeling it. It’s so much easier to shut this love down and keep it at arm’s length.... but taking the hit - letting it in and through and under and out again, is such a bloody gift to all of humankind. And so I say THANK YOU GREAT SPIRIT. Thank you dear Universe for rendering me helpless in the face of your love for me. I am eternally grateful, eternally yours. And I will not stop loving for anything. In fact, I say, bring on more... I want all your golden arrows. Pierce me over and over again until there’s no me left.

I love you as form Great Spirit and I love you as formless... equally and together, as one.

The only thing that matters is that I LOVE.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing,
there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other’ doesn’t make any sense.” RUMI

Jennifer Hanson © copyright 2016. All rights reserved.